18 January 2023 (Mom death TW)

So. My mom died suddenly on the 13th of this month. I don't think I have the words to describe my sadness and devastation. I obviously won't go into detail, but I watched my mom die. Well technically I watched her die twice. The first time was on Thursday at around 12 am when she went into cadiac arrest for 25 minutes, and a second time on Friday when she took her final breath in front of me. I miss her so much. Nothing could have prepared me for this seeing as she wasn't sick priror to her passing. She had walking pneumonia and had no idea. I wish I could go back in time and tell her to go to the doctor about her constant fatigue and diziness (both symptoms of impending cardiac arrest and walking pneumonia.

My mom was my best friend truly and I feel so upset and so angry that we were just starting to build our relationship as a mom and her adult child. I'm so mad that the one person who knew me best and supported me the most is gone. I feel so lost.

One of the worst things about losing my mom at such a young age, aside from the sheer level of grief I'm going through, is all the paperwork I have to do. Insurance claims, bank paperwork, cremation paperwork--there's just too much bureaucracy. And since I am the only child of a single mother, it all falls on me. I want to scream with how much shit I have to sign and read and fax and email it feels like this will never end. I feel like I'm drowning in shallow water. Like I can see the surface but it's all warped and it feels just out of my reach. I know one day I'll be okay but right now I feel so hopeless. Everything feels so wrong.

I miss her